I write because I have no other idea on how I am going to release what is inside of me. The fear, doubt, frustration, insecurites... I dont want anyone to read this and judge me so I will try my best to keep everything I post private. Or at least make it to where "my circle" can read it but I dont have anyone invited to my circle.
I'm in a marriage with a man I knew for a very long time. All my life i was the one who fucked up. I was the one who created such havoc in our relationship due to him never fully wanting me. Or me wanting him but only when it was convienent. I went through many things in my life that no woman should ever have to go through. He sat in the background waiting. I thought it was because of how amazing he was as a person and how much he loved me. We were off and on and many time it was all my fault because i have never been the type to stay grounded. He was my first real boyfriend and we dated for one year and 3 months. November 11th 2005 was the day he asked me to be his girlfriend. I loved him and gave my virginity to him because there wasn't a single person i wanted more. I told myself that i was going to marry him. Isn't that every teenage girls dream? To marry her first true love? He left me though, for a girl who i just couldnt see as being above me. So why? Why did he hurt me? I like to tell myself that this was the event that happened to me that completey changed my aspect on life. I had a step dad who raised me since i was two. He turned out ot be a scary man that beat my brother and just couldnt love us like he promised. So he left. & in his place stepped M. But again, another man just walks out of my life and thats when it began. My founding of love for women.... of relatioships. Of realizing i could get just about anyone that i wanted to because no matter how hard i denied it, i wasnt an unattractive person. I had nice hair. Nice skin. I wasnt scrony but i wasnt fat. I dated and dated and in between dated M in and out. My second longest relationship was with a female, K. She met me right after M hurt me so her request was this. "Let me show you how to be loved. Let me do to you, what he could never do..." & so it began. I took the step out and began my life as a lesbian. Now to this day, I'm bisexual because my love for women has never faltered. I'm just more realistic with life. I have a nasty habit of falling in love... and then falling right out just as fast. I tend to hurt peple who i love so much. I'm a runner and no one has ever been able to stop me except M... but even now i cant even admit its still going to last.
I'm going to have a long time to explain everything the way i want but for right now, let me just leave it as , I'm with a man who has an addiction to women. addiction to Porn, and addiction to webcam online masterbation. I took the step to become the person i needed to be and i turn around and find this... My life has been completely destroyed... My image, My mind, My heart. and I even feel like my soul. My soul is so crushed. I'm clinging to God, but i still feel like i'm too far done. I let others speak to me because my husband doesnt. and even when he does, i dont fully cling to it like i want. I'm letting another man speak to me in a way my husband doesnt anymore. I know this is wrong, but I feel like its harmless compared to what he did... to me.
